I’m at home in Lincolnshire at the moment. One of my favourite thing about returning is the quality of rural journalism. Past jems have been the front page news of a christmas tree thief, who stole 15 christmas trees growing in a Boston home’s back garden from under their noses; police warning locals to be on the lookout for trees being sold out of the back of a van. This week’s paper was no disappointment. The wedding announcements appeared to give credence to the belief that incest is rife in the area, as the nuptials of Keith and Julia Drury was announced. While all other couples appeared to have had different names before the marriage this couple apparently shared a surname. This was followed by the advert, in the pets section, of the sale of ‘Ducking’s, cross breed, £6 each’. The advert failed to reveal what they were a cross of… But my absolute favourite was the following, which I will reproduce in full due to its magnificence:
CHAFFEUR/HANDYPERSON/HOUSEKEEPER/CARER
The above staff are required to assist an elderly lady of high standards, in maintaining her independence and dignity. This lady enjoys an active social life, her extended family, many friends, two dogs, country pursuits and a cultured lifestyle.
The residence is set in a charming, very rural setting, midway between Market Rasen and Grimsby.
Ideally a couple would be suitable for these positions, living in a cottage within the grounds of the main residence, but other quality applicants will be considered.
Other caring staff and gardener are employed and it is essential everyone works together in a spirit of happy teamwork.
Applicants must be prepared to perform their duties to a high standard of efficiency, compassion and flexibility. The employer would expect to show the same qualities in a spirit of happy coexistence with her staff.
Please apply by letter, clearly stating which position, as a couple or singualr you are applying for. Please give as much information about yourself as possible, your past and present employment, and notice you are required to give. The previous couple happily stayed for fourteen years until their retirement, and a short term couple filled the vacancy, until permanent long term arrangement could be made.
Etc etc
I really feel like driving around between Market Rasen and Grimbsy in an attempt to find the ‘residence’ just to satisfy my curiosity!
